Scrooge & Marley: The Play Of Utter Randomness
by ScroogeMcDuck
Summary: The title says all. Duct tape, killer psycho turkeys, bubble wrap, haggi, movies and murder; its all here! Come and be amazed at how random I can be whilst involving Dickensian parodical characters in the process!
1. The Beginning

Scrooge & Marley Co.

(And Cratchit, duh!)

A Play based on the LARP (Live Action Role-play)-By Kelly and Moi

Scrooge: (picks up telephone) CRATCHIT!

Cratchit: (picks up her telephone) Mr. Scrooge, sir!

Scrooge: What?

Cratchit: (pause) Um…I don't get it sir!

Scrooge: Neither do I.

Cratchit: (silence)

Scrooge: IS THIS AN ANONYMUS PHONECALL?

Cratchit: No sir, I'm still here!

Scrooge: Is that Cratchit?

Cratchit: Yes, of course, sir!

Scrooge: Righto.

(pause)

Cratchit: So…what are you planning on doing for Christmas sir?

Scrooge: GET OFF THE PHONE! (hangs up)

Cratchit: Um…OK then. (puts down phone)

Scrooge: (stares at computer screen) YIKES! (phones Cratchit whilst humming 'Mr. Scrooge' from 'The Muppets Christmas Carol')

Cratchit: Mr. Scrooge sir!

Scrooge: Wha-er…oh yeah! Um, I just got a weird e-mail.

Cratchit: Uh huh…from who?

Scrooge: Marley!

Cratchit: Say what?

Scrooge: Huh?

Cratchit: I mean…you just got an e-mail from your business partner/only friend, who's been dead for seven years! What's up with that?

Scrooge: I dunno.

Cratchit: Well…what does the e-mail say sir?

Scrooge: (reads from e-mail) "Wazzup? Marley here! I'm at an internet café here in the underworld and dude, it's 6p an hour! RADICAL! In case you can't tell I recently turned into a sk8ter, but I'm fed up of it already! Maybe I'll become emo…these chains stink dude…always hanging around…chain e-mails stink too, so I sent you several!  Well…that's all I gotta say for now…see you soon-ish! dramatic music BYE!"

Cratchit: You said it was a weird e-mail? Well, you were right!

Scrooge: HA! Foolish mortal.

Cratchit: (hangs up)

Scrooge: OI! (replies to e-mail)

(five seconds later)

Scrooge: CRATCHIT! I'VE HAD A REPLY!

Cratchit: (sarcastically) And there was much rejoicing! (waves little flag with SOS on it)

Scrooge: Where did you get that?

Cratchit: Um…I honestly have no idea.

(pause)

Cratchit: So…what does this e-mail say?

Scrooge: (reads) "Um…well, that was very mean! Whaddoya mean you don't want to see me? We're bestest ever buddies! sob sob Anyway, it doesn't matter! I'm here already! Teehee!" (in a suddenly terrified voice) Oh drat, he's here already! What should I do?

Cratchit: Lock the door, sir?

Scrooge: I've already done that!

Cratchit: Well…I don't think there's anything else you can-

Marley: (in a high-pitched, creepy voice) HI GUYS!!! HOW ARE YOU?

Cratchit: Fine, thank you!

Scrooge: Go away already…freak.

Marley: Humph…you're the freak!

Scrooge: (icily) And why is that?

Marley: You have a jar of humbugs on your desk! That's random…

Scrooge: No it isn't!

Marley: Why?

Scrooge: My catchphrase is "Bah, humbug!", therefore it isn't random!

Marley: Wow…

Scrooge: So…why are you here?

Marley: (starts eating Scrooge's humbugs)

Scrooge: OI! Give them back!

Marley: Nope (munches greedily)

Scrooge: C'mon Marley, give them back now!

Cratchit: Ghosts can eat?

Marley: Duh! (eats more)

Scrooge: GIVE THEM BACK!

Cratchit: Come on Marley, stop being childish and give Scrooge the humbugs!

Marley: (eats the last one) Can't, sorry!

Scrooge: YOU- (attempts to hit Marley but can't as Marley is a ghost and therefore un-hittable) Bah, humbug!

Marley: (laughs)

Cratchit: (laughs too)

Scrooge: You stay out of this!

Cratchit: Sorry sir!

Marley: Wow…the office is just as weird as ever!

Cratchit: It was going OK until you got here actually!

(phone rings; Marley answers)

Marley: HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Caller: Who is this? Am I addressing Mr. Scrooge or Mr. Marley?

Marley: I'm coming to HAUNT YOUUUUUUUUU!

Caller: Um…Ok (puts the phone down)

Scrooge: (attempts to hit Marley again) You are an idiot, you know that?

Marley: Yeaherno.

Cratchit: What the heck?

(phone rings again)

Marley: Why is the phone suddenly ringing a lot?

Cratchit: Probably to add some action to this lame plot!

Marley: Yeah, probably.

Scrooge: (picks up the phone) Who is this? ... Yes. … Yes, of course you idiot! …Obviously! … NO WAY! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? (hangs up)

Cratchit: Um…who was that?

Scrooge: Guess.

Marley: The Ghost of Christmas Past?

Scrooge: No

Cratchit: Present?

Scrooge: No

Marley: Future?

Scrooge: No

Cratchit: The guy you've been trying avoid all week who wants you to give money to charity?

Scrooge: No

Marley: My brother?

Scrooge: No…since when did you have a brother?

Marley: I have a brother?

Scrooge: What the mum?

Cratchit: (interrupts) Was it, by any chance, Fred?

Scrooge: Bingo!

Marley: We're not playing Bingo!

Cratchit: You're quick!

Marley: No I'm not! Wait…what are we talking about?

Scrooge: (rolls eyes)

Cratchit: What did Fred want?

Scrooge: The usual: he wants me to celebrate this stupid holiday season again…grrrr….

Marley: (not to anyone in particular) I remember one Christmas when I got tangled up in Christmas lights for two days…

Scrooge: (barrels on) Oh, and by the way, Fred's coming to the office right now!

Cratchit: Why didn't you say so? I'll check the traps.

Marley: I have a cunning plan!

Scrooge: What is it?

Marley: (whispers to Scrooge)

Scrooge: I see…

(A few seconds later or whatever, there is a knock at the door. 'Tis Fred, Scrooge's nephew. Um…duh.)

Fred: (rings doorbell) HELLO? Anyone in there?

(Fred's phone rings)

Fred: (answers) Hello?

Marley: I AM COMING TO HAUNT YOOOOOOU!

Fred: Really? That's nice. (hangs up)

(Fred's phone rings again)

Fred: Hello?

Marley: Sup dude?

Fred: Oh, nothing really. Who are you anyway?

Marley: Me, myself and I.

Fred: Meaning?

Marley: Marley.

Fred: Oh. Does this mean you'll let me in?

Marley: In?

Fred: I can't get into the office…the doors locked.

Marley: Ah. I see.

Fred: Can you open the door for me then?

Marley: Um…no.

Fred: (losing his patience) WHY NOT?

Marley: I dunno.

(Whispers ensue)

Marley: Hang on; it's OK for me to open the door now.

Fred: Wha-

Marley: (hangs up)

Fred: OK then… (Walks into the office. Instantly his glasses are snatched from his face and suspended in mid-air by Marley)

Marley: Teeheeheeheehee!

Fred: Um…what the heck?

(Marley starts whizzing around squealing "You can't get the glasses! You can't get the glasses!" in a really annoying voice)

Fred: Will you please desist?

Marley: I dunno

Fred: What do you mean you don't know? Just give my glasses back! PLEASE!

(Marley's phone rings)

Marley: Hang on a sec…

Fred: (to self) Understandable really, it's an office after all, it must be the water cooler than does it…that or the humbugs…WHERE DID THE HUMBUGS GO???

Marley: (whispers agitatedly on phone, then hangs up, sighs, and returns Fred's glasses to him)

Fred: (with an effort to remain calm and polite) Thanks, Marley. Where's Scrooge anyway?

Marley: Uh…I think he went into hiding when he heard you were coming. Cratchit too. He said I should annoy you so much you'd leave him alone-drat! So much for keeping the evil plot secret… (slaps forehead)

Fred: So, shall I leave? (sighs dejectedly)

Marley: (in surprise) OK then, buddy! (mutters something in gobbledygook under his breath, sounds like a spell or something. Noticing Fred looking at him strangely he continues) BYE! (slams the door in Fred's face)

Fred: (shakes his head and meanders off)

(Scrooge and Cratchit emerge from under their desks)

Cratchit: Is the coast clear?

Scrooge: Duh. Fred's gone!

Marley: YAY! PARTY TIME! ('Love Today' by Mika starts playing)

Scrooge: (to playwright) Was that supposed to be in the script?

Playwright (a.k.a Marley's brother): I dunno.

Scrooge: (sighs)

Cratchit: I gotta go get lunch sir.

Scrooge: LUNCH? Are you out of your mind? You need to work! No lunch for you today!

Cratchit: Not even soup?

Scrooge: No. The soup is all mine…

Marley: We have SOUP? YAY!

Scrooge: 'Tis broccoli flavoured.

Marley: I see…GIMMEE THE SOUP!

Scrooge: NO!

(During this commotion, Cratchit has slipped out of the office)

Marley: That was rude, wasn't it?

Scrooge: Yeah…

(Cratchit returns with a can of chicken noodle soup and Scrooge leaves to get his soup)

Marley: (speaking into the silence) What's with the soup thing? Anyone? Hello?

Playwright: I dunno; just go with the flow, bro!

Marley: Um…righto.

(Meanwhile, Cratchit is acting most unlike her usual self. Instead of heading back to her desk she sits in Scrooge's chair and begins to type on his laptop computer, playing Laser Zap IV)

Marley: Um…

Cratchit: Leave me alone, will ya? I'm trying to concentrate!

Marley: Why aren't you working at your usual desk, Cratchit?

Cratchit: What is your problem? I'm not Cratchit! Cratchit's out getting lunch, as I understand it, she shall have to be punished severely when she gets back. I said she couldn't have any soup!

Marley: Ooops…

Cratchit: What do you mean, oops?

Marley: Uh...nothing! Bye! (disappears)

Cratchit: Humph! (continues playing computer game)

(Scrooge returns and immediately notices Cratchit's change of seating plan)

Scrooge: CRATCHIT! What do you think you're doing?

Cratchit: Cratchit? Why do people keep calling me that? I'm not Cratchit!

Scrooge: I'M not Cratchit either!

Cratchit: Of course you are, now get back to your desk and work!

Scrooge: You're at MY desk!

Cratchit: No, I'm not! Stop contradicting me or I'll dock your pay!

Scrooge: Cratchit, I've had enough of this! Get away from my desk NOW!

Cratchit: (glares menacingly at Scrooge)

Scrooge: (to no-one in particular) What the heck is going on?

Cratchit: WORK, FOOLISH MORTAL!!!

Scrooge: (sighs dejectedly) Fine. But I will have revenge…

(Scrooge grumpily goes over to Cratchit's desk and phones Marley)

Scrooge: Marley?

Marley: Sup?

Scrooge: STOP SAYING THAT ALREADY!!!

Marley: Sorry…it's the skater thing dude.

Scrooge: Whatever.

Marley: So…why're ya phonin'?

Scrooge: Cratchit is acting REALLY weirdly, she thinks I'M Cratchit and she's sitting at MY desk, playing MY computer games!

Marley: (giggles nervously)

Scrooge: What's that supposed to mean?

Marley: Um, well, earlier on in the play when I mumbled gobbledygook at Fred, I was trying to transform him into a duck.

Scrooge: So?

Marley: So…the spell messed up…duh!

Scrooge: Let me get this straight…you attempted to turn my nephew into a duck but instead succeeded in making my sole employee a grouch?

Marley: Um…yes.

Scrooge: (sighs heavily) Is there any way you can fix this?

Marley: Er…

Cratchit: CRATCHIT! I want the monthly eviction reports!

Scrooge: Darn, I gotta go! (hangs up)

Marley: Righto. (to self) Darnnabbit!

(Scrooge approaches his own desk, papers in hand)

Cratchit: (snatches papers)

Scrooge: (sighs)

Cratchit: Stop with you sighing already! And stop slouching!

Scrooge: Oh yeah? Who's going to make me? YOU?

(Magical music and sound effects dramatically appear to rectify the unfortunate situation at hand)

Cratchit: Where am I?

Scrooge: How cliché (tuts)

Cratchit: No, seriously. Why am I at your desk?

Scrooge: Don't ask me; ask Marley, the Wonder Bozo here.

Marley: (appears) Aw, c'mon! It was a complete and total accident!

Scrooge: Yeah…right.

Cratchit: Guys!

Scrooge and Marley: What?

Cratchit: Er…I come bearing soup. I mean, I come bearing MORE soup than originally intended.

Marley: YAY! Soup! My life at last has a purpose! (eats Cratchit's soup)

Cratchit: Your purpose in life is to eat all our food? Scrooge's humbugs and now my soup?

Marley: Er…maybe!

Scrooge: (forehead slap)

(Marley's phone rings)

Marley: Hang on a sec… (answers phone) Yeah? Uh huh… Argentina you say? Well…OK then. (hangs up and mutters to self) Idiot…

Scrooge and Cratchit: 0o

Marley: The Ghost of Humbug Yet to Come ended up in Argentina instead of England. He was supposed to come here…today! At right about now!

Cratchit: Who?

Scrooge: What?

Cratchit: When?

Scrooge: Where?

Both: Why?

Marley: I hired him.

Scrooge: Why?

Marley: To scare you to death

Scrooge: Why?

Marley: Because I'm all alone in the world…no friends in the Afterlife…

Scrooge : You have friends! You sent me a phone call two years after you died saying you'd met all sorts of interesting people! Henry VIII, Thomas Andrews, designer of Titanic, Queen Elizabeth, Charles Dickens…

Cratchit: You met all these random famous people in the Afterlife?

Marley: Um…yes.

Scrooge: So, if you have friends, why do you want me to die?

Marley: (in a high pitched happy voice) Because you're my BEST friend!

Scrooge: (rolls eyes) Oh my gosh…

(Dramatically and suddenly, a jumbo jet suddenly crashes outside the office)

All: WHAT THE HUMBUG? (All rush outside)

Ghost Of Humbug Yet To Come: Hi guys!

Marley: Yay! You made it!

Marley's Brother (AKA playwright and director of all this randomness. By the way, I'm just typing it up for him as ghost can't use computers…0o) Guys! That's not in the script!

Ghost Of Humbug Yet To Come (GOHYTC): Oh darn. That was fun!

Scrooge: You just crashed your jumbo jet.

GOHYTC: Oh, that piece of junk. Poor, prettyful junk…

Scrooge: Nevermind.

Cratchit: Er…guys!

GOHYTC, Marley and Scrooge: What?

Cratchit: (points a trembling hand into the random, foreboding darkness as a familiar theme tune starts up)

GOHYTC & Marley: NOOO! They're after us! RUN! (run away)

Ghostbusters: (appear out of the random darkness) Who ya gonna call? GHOSTBUSTERS!

Scrooge: Thanks you guys, you saved us!

Ghostbusters: From what? I don't see any ghosts!

Cratchit: Exactly. Your theme song chased them away!

Ghostbusters: Nifty…

Scrooge: Alls well that ends well then?

Cratchit: What does that mean?

Scrooge: I think the plays over…right Marley's Brother Whose Name We'll Never Know?

Marley's Brother Whose Name We'll Never Know: …

Scrooge and Cratchit: THE TRIPLE DOT! RUN! (run away)

The End


	2. Killer Psycho Turkey

Scrooge & Marley: Attack of the Turkey

Scrooge & Marley II

A Sequel to: Scrooge & Marley: The Play Of Utter Randomness

It's **long**.

It's _rambling_.

It's random.

_**It's back with a vengeance.**_

Enjoy.

(Things are all as normal here at Scrooge & Marley Co. Cratchit is hard at work and Scrooge is playing Pacman and deleting his e-mails from nephew Fred. Joy.)

Scrooge: (to computer) DIE PIXEL-ESQUE SCUM!

Cratchit: Okay…

Scrooge: How can you hear me if we're in separate offices?

Cratchit: We aren't.

Scrooge: Huh? Since when? (pause as he glances at the computer screen) Dang it. I got eaten by aliens again! (forehead slap)

Cratchit: (with a sigh) Why aren't you working?

Scrooge: Why aren't you using the telephone to talk to me?

Cratchit: Why do we have telephones if we're in the same room?

Scrooge: It feels more business-y. And groovy too!

Cratchit: Right…

Scrooge: USE THE TELEPHONE ALREADY!

Cratchit: (angrily) Fine! (picks up telephone and dials)

Scrooge: (picks up the phone) Cratchit!

Cratchit: Mr. Scrooge sir!

Scrooge: What?

Cratchit: Why does this always seem to happen?

Scrooge: Huh?

Cratchit: Nothing.

Scrooge: Oh OK.

(pause)

Cratchit: Well, uh, what do you want sir?

Scrooge: A can of Coke, large order of French fries and a grilled cheese sandwich. Oh, and some nachos!

Cratchit: That's not what I meant…

Scrooge: Whatever! Fetch them at once!

(Two hours later)

Cratchit: Will that be all sir?

Scrooge: (sips his drink) Yup.

Cratchit: Did you know that Coca Cola can take the rust off of cars?

Scrooge: So?

Cratchit: So imagine what it's doing to your stomach!

Scrooge: (glowers) I ain't bovvered!

Cratchit: (sarcastically) Really?

Scrooge: No. Look at my face! Is this a bovvered face thou see'st before thee? No, 'tis not! I AIN'T BOVVERED!

Cratchit: (backs away hurriedly and crashes into his desk, causing it to fall over with a very loud bang) Drat. My computer broke!

Scrooge: Oh, boo hoo. (pulls a face and turns back to his computer) ARGH!

Cratchit: (rubs head before replying) What is it Mr. Scrooge?

Scrooge: A humbug in a black robe just magically appeared on my screen!

Humbug: Well, duh! I'm supposed to be here!

Scrooge: And who are you exactly?

Humbug: I am The One And Only Ghost Of Humbug Yet To Come! But you can shorten my name to GOHYTC and that's fine with me. (bows)

Cratchit: What the heck? (hurries over and stares at the humbug) This is crazy!

Scrooge: Crazier than Marley?

Marley: (walks in) OI!

All: Where did you come from?

Marley: Macau!

Scrooge: I don't get it. Aren't you a ghost?

Marley: (sniffs) Thanks for the reminder! It just so happens that we ghosts have holidays nowadays!

Cratchit: (to no-one in particular) Au men!

All: (except Cratchit) What does that mean?

Cratchit: Macau in Chinese! That's Chong wen, by the way.

Marley: (to the playwright) Since when were these plays educational?

Marley's Brother Whose Name We'll Never Know A.K.A The Playwright: Uh…I dunno!

GOHYTC: Whaaat? I was told to haunt some dude and this is what I get? Gosh! (disappears)

GOHYTC's Voice: (reverb) I'll be back! Whoooooo! (reverb off)

Marley: (snaps) He'd better be! I had to pay a thousand pound to hire him to scare Scrooge to death…oh darn.

Scrooge: You hatched another evil plan to try and scare me to death so we can be best ever buddies for all of eternity?

Marley: (nods enthusiastically)

Scrooge: (sarcastically) Fabulous. Super. Brill-yunt. Many more un-needed sarcastic synonyms!

Marley: (looks crestfallen)

Scrooge: Besides, aren't you meant to be where all the other evil ghosts are?

Marley: (stung) I'm not evil! I'm just creepy, malicious, sneaky, avaricious, mean, cold-hearted, unforgiving, rude, nasty, ugly, fluffy-

Cratchit: Fluffy?

Marley: IDIOT! (smacks Playwright) Stop making me say weird stuff!

Marley's Brother Whose Name We'll Never Know: Muahahahahahaha!

Cratchit: Don'cha just love sibling rivalry?

Marley: What-ev dude. I got something funky to say!

Scrooge: At last.

Marley: When I was on holiday, I learnt how to predict the future! I'm gonna warn you two of stuff that's gonna happen in your futures, because I'm that cool.

Cratchit: Shouldn't that ghostly humbug of the future do that? (frowns)

Marley: Drat. Foiled again. (disappears)

GOHYTC: (appears in Marley's place) Wassup?

Scrooge: Marley said you're going to predict our futures?

GOTHYTC: Yup. (concentrates) Ponder ponder think think…

Cratchit: What are you doing?

GOHTYC: Thinking.

Cratchit: Oh.

GOHTYC: (reverb) Cratchit…

Scrooge: Hang on, why can't I go first?

Cratchit: Probably because your fate's rubbish!

GOHYTC: Shut up, I'm prophesizing here!

Scrooge and Cratchit: Sorry.

Cratchit: (To GOHTYC) Soooo, what's my future?

GOHYTC: You're gonna drink some water, win the lottery (only 10 though) and, by the way, Tiny Tim's gonna die.

Cratchit: WHAT?

Scrooge: So much for my fate being rubbish! (giggles)

GOHTYC: Scrooge…

Scrooge: Just get on with it!

GOHYTC: Touchy. (sniffs haughtily and continues) You will unexpectedly lose your wallet, ironically stub your toe on a Coke can and, of course, you're gonna die.

Scrooge: WHAT? Who, what, when, where, WHY?

GOHTYC: Soon-ish. That's all I can say as it says here on my non existent haunting license. Three future prophecies only and that's it. No tips, tricks or hints.

Scrooge: So more bad stuff's gonna happen to me?

GOHTYC: Probably.

Scrooge: Bah, humbug.

GOHYTC: Is that some offensive joke about humbugs?

Scrooge: No.

GOHYTC: Good. Well, I'll be off! Ciao! (disappears)

Cratchit: Since when did humbugs speak Italian?

Scrooge: Isn't that Spanish?

Cratchit: Shouldn't we be worrying about our futures?

Scrooge: Oh…yeah. (runs around screaming and stubs his toe on his Coke can, trips over it and falls onto the floor)

(Stunned silence)

Cratchit: The ghost was right! It wasn't some random hoax!

Scrooge: Affirmative. Help me up already.

Cratchit: (helps Scrooge get back on his feet and grabs a glass of water out of nowhere) All this action and weirdness is making me thirs-THE GHOST WAS RIGHT AGAIN!

Scrooge: Uh oh… (frantically searches in his pockets) I think I may have mislaid-

Cratchit: (in excitement and fear) Your wallet!

Scrooge: Congrats genius! Help me find it!

(Thirty minutes later)

Cratchit: Sorry boss, I think your wallet may be gone for good.

Scrooge: Oh darn.

Marley: (reappears carrying a glass of Coke and 'How to Scare People to Death for Dummies') Hi guys! How's it going?

Scrooge: How's it going? HOW'S IT GOING? What do you mean? 'How's it going?' I've tripped over a Coke can and stubbed my toe and lost my wallet and Cratchit's going to win the lottery!

Cratchit: (meekly) Only 10 though.

Scrooge: Whatever. Why does bad stuff always happen to me? Why ME?

Marley: YOU? I'm dead!

Cratchit: And my kid's gonna die!

Marley: Woah, that was unexpected!

Scrooge: What was?

Marley: Did you guys see that flying army of rubber ducks intent on world domination?

Scrooge: (to audience) See what I meant about him being crazy?

Cratchit: Wow, this play's pointless and stupid!

(A few hours later)

Cratchit: And so end another day at the office.

Scrooge: Yup.

Marley: (quoting Shakespeare) 'When shall we meet again? In thunder, lighting or in rain'…er…tomorrow?

Scrooge: How about never?

Marley: Aw!

Scrooge: For goodness sake! I was JOKING! Why does no-one get my jokes? (leaves, grumbling)

Marley: (to audience) Gee…what's made him so mad?

Cratchit: (rolls his eyes and departs also)

Marley: Sure…abandon me. That's nice. (sniffs and disappears)

(Scene changes to Scrooge's computer room/office at his house, where he's busy typing)

Scrooge: (to himself) Stupid ghosts! I'm not going to die. Not yet anyway…No wonder everything's so weird today, it's Monday! Typical…

GOHYTC: (voice only, creepily) I have returned!

Scrooge: Oh no…not you again!

GOHYTC: Aw c'mon, what did I do?

Scrooge: You know perfectly well, stupid!

GOHYTC: Careful Scrooge! If you anger me, my wrath shall be dreadful to behold!

Scrooge: Oh yeah! I'm already going to die! What more can you do to me?

GOHYTC: (snorts) You shall se, O Victim of my Powerful and Almighty Wrathfulness!

(A flash of light. Scrooge's money bursts out of wallets, safes, drawers and cabinets and begin to dance the Macarena)

Scrooge: Is this your idea of a joke?

GOHYTC: No! This is really scary!

Scrooge: Yeah…OK.

GOHYTC: Here comes something scarier!

(A turkey appears, seemingly normal, harmless and turkey-ish)

Scrooge: (laughs) A TURKEY? Is that the best you can do?

GOHYTC: Oh darn. I forgot its Weapon of Doom.

(Turkey acquires dagger)

GOHTYC: Voila! (proudly) A Killer Psycho Turkey!

Scrooge: So this is how I'm gonna die? I'm going to be hacked to death by a turkey with a dagger, like in Psycho but without the split personality thing?

GOHYTC: Pretty much.

Scrooge: (faints)

(Meanwhile, at the Cratchit's house)

Tiny Tim: Uh, guys?

Cratchits: Yeah?

Tiny Tim: I'm dying!

All: WHAT?

Tiny Tim: Yeah, I know it's rubbish! I'll (wheeze) see y'all in the afterlife or something… (dies)

(pause)

Cratchits: That was weird…

(Back at Scrooge's house)

(The turkey is almost within stabbing distance of Scrooge, who has luckily regained consciousness and is backing away, pleading with the ghost)

Scrooge: Please O Ghost Of Humbug Yet To Come! Stop this madness! Pretty please with a cherry on top! I beg you!

GOHYTC: You need to say the magic word!

Scrooge: Abracadabra?

GOHYTC: No.

Scrooge: Alakazam?

GOHYTC: No.

Scrooge: Humbug?

GOHYTC: No.

Scrooge: Money?

GOHYTC: No.

Scrooge: Cherry?

GOHYTC: No.

Scrooge: Chocolate?

GOHYTC: No.

Scrooge: (in exasperation) Rainbow flavoured socks?

GOHTYC: Woah, how did you guess?

(Turkey disappears and the money stops dancing, returning to its usual, immobile state, all over the room)

Scrooge: Thanks a bunch! Now I have to clean this all up!

(The next day, at the office)

Marley: (perched on a desk, sips coffee) Morning guys! Have a good night?

Cratchit and Scrooge: Nope.

Marley: (sweetly) Why not?

Cratchit: Maybe it's because Tiny Tim died-

Scrooge: And I was nearly assassinated by a turkey with a dagger like in Psycho but without the split personality thing and spent the rest of the night picking up money that had been previously dancing the Macarena!

Marley: (sprays coffee all over the place) Really? You gotta be kidding.

Tiny Tim's Ghost: (enters) Nope! Hiya guys!

Cratchit: Um…hi. What're you doing here?

Tiny Tim: Nothing.

(pause)

Tiny Tim: Okay…I'm bored. Toodles! (leaves)

Marley: That was random.

Cratchit: Isn't everything thus far?

(An envelope slides under the door, addressed to Cratchit)

Scrooge: Is it a letter bomb?

Marley: Did you have brain surgery ol' pal? That's an envelope!

Scrooge: You-

Cratchit: Oh my gosh! I won 10 in the lottery! I didn't even enter!

Scrooge: (sarcastically) Hurrah. (claps slowly thrice then stops)

Marley: What're you gonna do with the money?

Cratchit: I think I'll use it to buy my slave driver here (jerks a thumb at Scrooge) a coffin!

Scrooge: (sarcastically) Oh ha ha ha! I am SO amused…not.

Cratchit: That wasn't funny at all.

Scrooge: I know! I felt like being stupid.

(Many years later, Scrooge eventually dies. He got stomach damage from drinking WAAY to much Coca Cola)

Marley: How d'you feel ol' pal?

Scrooge: (groans) Awful, what do you think?

Marley: (sadly) Aw, I thought you'd be happy!

Scrooge: (snaps) Why?

Marley: Now we can be best friends for all eternity! Maybe even longer!

Scrooge: Bah, humbug.

Marley's Brother Whose Name He'll Actually Reveal to Us Now (dramatic music): Hi, I'm Clarence Periwinkle Marley, playwright and huge fan of The Sound of Music. Don't fret; there'll be more of these random plays coming soon! Stay tuned! But, for now, in the words of Porky Pig: That's all folks!

The End


	3. Bubble Wrap and Time Travel

Scrooge & Marley: The Play Of Utter Randomness

Scrooge & Marley: The Play Of Utter Randomness

Installment III

(Many thanks to E. Snoopy for making me get back to work on these! P In fact, this chapter is dedicated to E. Snoopy! :3)

Enjoy!

-le gasp-

(The office is unusually quiet...

No-one's there.

That explains that then.

D'you know where they are Clarence?)

Clarence: Yup.

(Would you care to tell me?)

Clarence: Who are you anyway?

(I'm the person that keeps typing up your scripts for you. Where are they? We need to get this show on the road!)

Clarence: Ironic, that.

(Why?)

Clarence: They're having an Antiques Roadshow marathon. –gigglesnort-

(Uh huh. Why're they doing that?)

Clarence: Because they can. And they like antiques, I guess.

(I see. Would you mind calling them and telling them to get over here, pronto?)

Clarence: I fail to comprehend the mechanics of this mechanism! (holds out mobile phone, looking flabbergasted)

(I momentarily forgot you don't understand 'modern technology'. Gimmee that! –dials Marley's phone and hands Clarence's phone back to him-)

-Crazy Frog ringtone plays at full volume-

Marley: (picks up) Greetings. Why art thou calling me, Clarence?

Clarence: Oh dear...you haven't been reading Shakespeare AGAIN have you?

Marley: 'To be or not to be-'

Clarence: You know it bugs me when you quote Hamlet?

Marley: Yes. That's why I do it, bro.

Clarence: Weeell, whoever the person is that types these things-

(AHEM!)

Clarence: -wants you lot to get over here...pronto.

Marley: AWWW, why? We're watching the episode where that chap brings in this enormous grandfather clock on the back of his car-

Clarence: That's the opening credits, Marl.

Marley: Oh. (to others at his end of the phone) WHO PRESSED PAUSE?

GOHYTC: Drat, he finally noticed he's been watching it on pause for the past hour. Foiled, again!

(Uh...)

Marley: (to Clarence) I guess we can come over then. (sighs irritably) We'll be over as soon as we've finished eating this popcorn, kay?

Clarence: Sure-iti-doodles!

Marley: Cheerio! (hangs up)

Clarence: HE HUNG UP ON ME!

(Seconds later, Marley, The Ghost of Humbug Yet to Come (GOHYTC), Scrooge, Cratchit and The Killer Psycho Turkey arrive in the office. Scrooge is dragging an enormous roll of bubble wrap)

Clarence: Why do you guys always hang out without me?

Marley: Why are you talking so much? Usually you say nothing at all! (looks confused)

Killer Psycho Turkey: BRAACK! X pi!

GOHYTC: Aww! His first line! (pats Killer Psycho Turkey)

Clarence: (to Scrooge) What's with the bubble wrap?

Scrooge: (pats the bubble wrap affectionately, tears welling up in his eyes) Ah...of days gone by...

All (except Clarence): Oh no...not this again! (retreat hurriedly out of the room)

(Crashing ensues)

Cratchit: Darn. I think I severely injured myself. No offense, but it's a good thing you guys are all ghosts because having tons of kitchen utensils falling on ones head is very painful, and I don't think you'd like it much...

(Silence)

Killer Psycho Turkey: SNARFLE!

Clarence: Bubble. Wrap. Explain. Please.

Scrooge: (smiling remimisintly) I remember a time when I used to collect valuable antiques-

(We seem to have a theme in this play! Oo)

Scrooge:- these very yards of bubble wrap saved me millions! (hugs bubble wrap)

Clarence: What, pray tell, was the antique in question?

Scrooge: A rubber chicken from the year 1843...why?

Marley: (re-entering) They had rubber chickens in the 19th century?

GOHYTC: (re-entering) Somehow, I doubt that very much.

Cratchit: (following them) Indeed.

Killer Psycho Turkey (KPT): Mini Mike wears rainbow flavoured smog socks!

Cratchit: (irritably) Can you make him stop saying stupid stuff?

GOHYTC: I could...but I don' wanna! (looks defiant)

Cratchit: Oh...OK.

(Loooooooooooong pause)

Scrooge: (pats bubble wrap)

Clarence: Y'know what I think?

Marley: (incredulously) You THINK? WOAH...

Clarence: (ignores him) I think 'tis philosophical question time!

All: Okie dokie then.

Marley: Who am I?

GOHYTC: What is life's purpose?

Cratchit: Why is salami called salami?

Scrooge: Why was algebra invented?

KPT: Is there life on Planet Zog?

Marley: Why is Clarence's brain made of mush?

Clarence: Why is-OI! (smacks Marley) Meanie-head!

Cratchit: So much for THAT idea... (sighs)

GOHYTC: Soooo...

KPT: I want candy!

GOHYTC: You bother me. Begone! (clicks fingers, KPT is gone in a puff of smoke)

Scrooge: NOOOO!

(Yet another pause)

Marley: I have a cunning plan!

Scrooge: Really?

Marley: Indeed.

GOHYTC: What is it and why is it?

Marley: I propose we add some action to this lame plot by... (pause for effect) traveling through time!

(collective gasp)

GOHYTC: That's the weirdest thing I've heard in awhile...how can you travel through time anyway?

Marley: Oh, I have my ways. (taps side of his nose)

Clarence: You never tell me anything, bro! (whines)

Marley: (smacks Clarence) Silence, fool, and watch THIS!

(Dramatically and magically, Marley makes Scrooge's bubble wrap able to travel through time)

All: OOOOOOH!

Marley: Hop on, chaps!

(Everyone gets on the magic bubble wrap)

GOHYTC: (bounces up and down) WHEE!

(KA-BAM. The magic bubble wrap magically transports everyone back in time...)

Scrooge: That was weird...

Cratchit: Tell me about it!

Scrooge: Well, we got on the magic bubble wrap and then we ended up here!

Cratchit: (forehead slap)

Marley: Where are we? (glances nervously around muddy hole in the ground in which they have ended up)

Clarence: This is weird...

(Suddenly, they hear the sound of approaching troops)

All: WORLD WAR ONE!

Marley: Dang! Get back on the bubble wrap before-

(KABOOM)

Clarence: (rubbing his head) Where are we now?

Elizabeth I: Gimmee a prezzie or I'll execute the lot of you!

Marley: The majority of us are actually ghosts-

Scrooge: GET ON THE BUBBLE WRAP!

(KA-BAM.)

('Walk Like An Egyptian' starts playing)

Cratchit: Neat! I've always wanted to see the pyramids!

GOHYTC: I haven't.

(KA-BAM.)

Scrooge: Can you please make it stop doing that?

Christopher Columbus: (turns map upside down) Where are we?

Cratchit: Er...

(KA-BAM.)

Tyrannosaurus Rex: Rawr. Fear meh. I iz creepy dinosaur! I hurtz youz!

Clarence: Oh yeah? Well-

(KA-BAM.)

Scrooge: Bah, humbug!

Scrooge: It's a clone! AHHH!

(All look confusedly at the other Scrooge as...KA-BAM.)

Marley: (mumbles gobbledygook)

Cratchit: Wha-?

Marley: It's OK guys. I fixed it!

GOHYTC: Thank goodness. You really should get a license before operating these...(glances around nervously) bubble wrap things...

(All glance around)

GOHYTC: (afraid of the probable answer) By fixed, d'you mean we can't travel through time on it anymore?)

Marley: (proudly) Yep. We're stuck here!

(All, except Marley, looked horrified)

Marley: What? What's the problem?

Caveman: (looks inquisitively at bubble wrap) Ug?

Marley: Oh. That problem. Er...

(Dun Dun DUN! What will happen next? If I actually end up writing a sequel, you'll see!)

-dramatic music-


	4. In Which Time Travel Reaches It's End

Scrooge & Marley: The Play Of Utter Randomness

Scrooge & Marley: The Play Of Utter Randomness

Part Four Of Their Madcap Adventures! –gasp-

This chapter is dedicated to Isabelita Rox

Long Live The Randomness

_Previously on 'Scrooge & Marley: The Play Of Utter Randomness'_

Marley made Scrooge's bubble wrap able to travel through time...

Marley: I have a cunning plan!

Scrooge: Really?

Marley: Indeed.

GOHYTC: What is it and why is it?

Marley: I propose we add some action to this lame plot by... (pause for effect) traveling through time!

(collective gasp)

GOHYTC: That's the weirdest thing I've heard in awhile...how can you travel through time anyway?

Marley: Oh, I have my ways. (taps side of his nose)

Clarence: You never tell me anything, bro! (whines)

Marley: (smacks Clarence) Silence, fool, and watch THIS!

(Dramatically and magically, Marley makes Scrooge's bubble wrap able to travel through time)

However, as usual, things didn't go according to plan...

Marley: (proudly) Yep. We're stuck here!

(All, except Marley, looked horrified)

Marley: What? What's the problem?

Caveman: (looks inquisitively at bubble wrap) Ug?

Marley: Oh. That problem. Er...

_Thus..._

Marley: Um...

(a few minutes later)

Marley: Uh...

(a few more minutes later)

Marley: Eh...

(about half an hour later)

Marley: It appears we have a problem.

Scrooge: (rolls his eyes) You don't say.

Marley: I do! I just said it!

Clarence: (to self) Idiot...

Marley: You finally admitted it!

GOHYTC: GUYS! We need to immediately remedy the situation!

(stunned silence)

Cratchit: I concur. But...how do we go about this?

Clarence: We fix the time machine..durrr!

Marley: Excellent suggestion!

(They look around expecting to see the time machine so they can go and get it working again. But, oh clichéd wonder of wonders, it's gone!)

Scrooge: Drat.

GOHYTC: I think we'd better go find that time machine!

Cratchit: Okie dokie!

(All tramp off in search of the time machine)

(A few seconds later)

GOHYTC: I CAN'T FIND IT!

Clarence: (pulls GOHYTC's hood down so we can see his face) That's because you're not looking properly!

GOHYTC: NOOOO! (pulls hood back up) DON'T MESS WIV DA HOOD, MAN!

Clarence: My apologies. C'mon!

(Many hours later)

Cratchit: (tentatively) I think it may be gone for good...

Marley: Stop panicking chaps! We'll find it, or my name's not Marley!

Clarence: You do realize you're adopted?

Marley: WHAAAT?

Clarence: Just kidding... (cackles manically)

Scrooge: For goodness sake!

Cratchit: (pointing) LOOK!

Marley: Is it a bird?

Scrooge: Is it a plane?

GOHYTC: Is it a FLYING pair of rainbow flavoured-

Cratchit: NO! It's Batman!

(silence)

Cratchit: Just joking...yikes. It's our time machine!

(The time traveling bubble wrap is sitting exactly where they left it)

All: OK then...

Scrooge: Now can you attempt to remedy the situation?

Marley: Sure.

(Many hours later)

Marley: Tah dah!

(crickets chirp)

(Everyone else has fallen asleep)

Marley: Excellent. (drags everyone onto the time machine and makes it travel through time, hoping to get them back to their rightful era)

(KA-BAM.)

GOHYTC: (waking up, looks around dazedly) Where are we?

Marley: (breezily) Haven't the foggiest.

Cratchit: (wakes up too) You must have SOME idea!

(Below them they can see The Great Wall Of China)

Marley: I get it now! Leaving!

(KA-BAM.)

Town Crier: Hear ye! Hear ye! Shakespeare's newest play; Attack of the Socks is premiering this afternoon at three o' clock!

Cratchit: I never knew he wrote that! It's an amazing piece of theatre-

(KA-BAM.)

Random Dancing People: YMCA! It's fun to stay at the YMCA!

(KA-BAM.)

Homer Simpson: (to the tune of The Flintstones)

Simpson!

Homer Simpson!

He's the greatest guy in history!

From the

Town of Springfield!

He's about to hit a chestnut tree!

D'OH!

(ka-bam)

Marley: Drat. I think the time machine's broken!

GOHYTC: Trust you to invent something unreliable as time-traveling bubble wrap!

Marley: Oh do shut up!

Cratchit: (pokes Scrooge and Clarence to wake them up) Guys! We're back!

Clarence: We are? Huzzah!

Scrooge: Whoopee! Y'know, Marl, I think we had some leftover popcorn at your house...let's go! (everyone except Clarence run off to Scrooge's for popcorn)

Clarence: Well...we're back in one piece, thank goodness. (wipes forehead) And, as usual, I'm left here to conclude our madcap misendavours. (sighs)

(Newscaster voice) NEXT TIME ON Scrooge & Marley: The Play Of Utter Randomness:

We go on holiday

We visit a haunted house and have another run-in with the Ghostbusters

We discover the joys of musical theatre

And there are, of course, more stupid jokes!

Huzzah!


	5. HOLIDAY TIME!

Scrooge & Marley: The Play Of Utter Randomness

Could it possibly be…Part Five?

Why yes, that it could be! ;)

Y'know, I think I'll continue writing these until I run out of random ideas…which will be NEVER! –cackles manically-

Oo

Ahem. Moving on.

Marley: (runs in) IhaveacunningplanIhaveacunningplanIhaveacunningplanIhaveacunning- (abrupt pause as he runs through the wall ("It must be distinctly understood…Marley was dead…") Creepy, eh?)

Scrooge: Already? We haven't started yet and you already have a cunning plan?

Marley: (pops head back through the wall) Why, yes, my good fellow!

Scrooge: (sighs) And what might the cunning plan be this time, bozo?

Marley: (jumps back through the wall, dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, shorts, sunglasses and a ridiculously large straw hat) HOLIDAY TIME!

Scrooge: (puts his head in his hands) Oh no…

(Cratchit, Clarence, KPT and GOHYTC run in, dressed in similar attire (except for GOHYTC and KPT who are brandishing inflatable lilos and beach balls)

Scrooge: (in an attempt to remain calm) I don't exactly think going to the beach is a good idea.

All: WHAAAAAAT? (look deeply hurt/shocked/mortified and other un-needed adjectives)

Scrooge: Beaches are no fun. Little kids screaming, sand gets in your shoes, the water is all salty and what's worse there's always dead jellyfish lying around!

Clarence: Ew…

Scrooge: Precisely.

Bob Marley: (appears) Hey man! We're havin' a big partay down at da beach man!

All: Eh?

Bob Marley: Nevuhmind man. (disappears)

Marley: (shocked) No-one told me I had TWO brothers!



Scrooge: (carrying on) Anyway, I suggest we go somewhere more dismal and depressing. Like, say, a creepy castle or a melancholy mansion or-

Marley: What's with all the alliteration?

Scrooge: No clue.

Cratchit: WE COULD GO TO A HAUNTED HOUSE!

(looong pause)

Marley, KPT, Clarence and GOHYTC: Hooray!

Scrooge: (to himself) Why me? (to everyone else) Sounds like a plan! But where?

(all ponder momentarily)

Marley: (in a very fake Scottish accent) Scotland!

Scrooge: Excellent! Maybe we'll run into my arch nemesis though…

Cratchit: I thought the world was your arch nemesis?

Scrooge: Shuddup. I meant Scrooge McDuck you dummies!

All: Oh.

Clarence: Eh, whatever. Let's go chaps!

GOHYTC: Hang on a sec! What mode of transportation shalt we be using so we can transport ourselves to our designated destination, pray thee tell?

(Everyone looks at GOHYTC oddly)

GOHYTC: Whaaaaat? Is it wrong for a guy to talk Shakespearian?

Marley: Mayhap 'tis not. Methinks we could use the bubble wra-

All (except Marley): NO!

Marley: (sighs) Very well.

Cratchit: Methinks we could transport ourselves via a certain airline?

Clarence: Such as, my liege?

Cratchit: Dost thou thinketh Ryanair shalt do?

KPT: Indeed. 'Tis all good and well. Let us depart.



(Odd silence as everyone registers they've just heard a turkey talk Shakespearian)

(The group eventually arrive at a deserted house in the Scottish moors)

Marley: WHEE! (hastens inside, with KPT and GOHYTC in pursuit)

Clarence: I'm getting a bad feeling about this…

Cratchit: C'mon man! We're a group of three ghosts, two humans and a killer psycho turkey! What could possibly go wrong?

(Screaming ensues from within the house)

Cratchit: (sighs) Come along. (They too enter the house)

(Dramatic music, kinda like the _Psycho_ theme)

Scrooge: Cut that out!

Marley: Sorry man. (hangs iPod speakers back on his chain, looking embarrassed)

Cratchit: What was the screaming for?

GOHYTC: I…I thought I saw…

Clarence: What?

GOHYTC: A pair of rainbow flavored smog so-

Scrooge: (interrupting) Brilliant. Where's the kitchen? I'm peckish! (dashes off)

Scrooge's Voice From The Kitchen: EEK! A GHOSTLY TRIO OF HAGGI! IS THAT THE CORRECT PLURAL FOR HAGGIS?

Marley: I'll go and see to this… (runs off, chains clanking behind him) (to self) I hate these things…grrr…

Clarence: Mmmhmm. I'm going to go and find the television…

GOHYTC: I'll go with you!

KPT: I'm going to go and meet my fellow ghostly animal-esque ghosts! (pursues the sounds of screaming and thick Scottish accented haggi)

Cratchit: Uh..I'll just..uh…stay here I guess. (opens suitcase, pulls out a colouring book and starts to read) Hmm…where's my crayons darnit?

(So…almost everyone is alone in the strange house…almost. This seems like an ideal time for people we don't particularly need to turn up to do so…)



(Cue _Ghostbusters_ theme tune)

Haggi: (in thick Scottish accents) We're the travellin' McFluff Clan! We perform random songs in random places fer no reason whatsoever!

(burst into song)

Haggi are really funky! Haggi are really funky! Haggi are really funky!

(Half an hour later)

Haggi: Haggi are really funky!

Marley: (dances)

Scrooge: STOPPIT!

(silence)

Haggi: Ye mean ye dinnae like oor singin'?

Scrooge: Not entirely no. You're not going to Hollywood.

Haggi: Darn it!

(Meanwhile)

Ghostbusters: Hands up. You're under arrest.

GOHYTC: For what, might I ask?

Ghostbusters: Um…for being ghosts?

(_Kung Fu Fighting_ plays as GOHYTC begins to attack the Ghostbusters with karate)

(KPT arrives from the kitchen and randomly acquires dagger)

Ghostbusters: Oh dear…

(Back in the kitchen)

Scrooge: I guess we'd best go follow the Killer Psycho Turkey!

Clarence: I guess…

Haggi: Can we come too? We're Bob, Fluffy and McFunky by the way!

Clarence: Greetings.

Scrooge: Bob McFluff, Fluffy McFluff and McFunky McFluff?



Bob: Yup.

Scrooge: (rolls eyes) Brilliant. Just what we need.

(Haggi, Scrooge, Marley and Clarence arrive in the TV room)

Marley, Haggi, Clarence: AHHHHH!

Scrooge: What? I don't see the prob-oh dear…

Ghostbusters: MORE GHOSTS! WHAT THE HECK?

Marley: What the heck is going on around here? (backs away)

GOHYTC: I was pondering the same thing!

Ghostbuster 1 ( I don't know their names!): I'm a bit cheesed off about this…

Ghostbuster 2: Why?

Ghostbuster: So many ghosts to destroy…so little time!

Cratchit: I take it this is our cue to run away screaming?

Clarence: Indeedido.

(All except the Ghostbusters run away, screaming)

Ghostbuster 3: That worked out well, didn't it?

Ghostbusters 1 & 2: Yeah.

(Outside the mansion)

GOHYTC: TAXI!

(Taxi appears)

Taxi Driver: Where to chaps?

Scrooge: Edinburgh.

Taxi Driver: Where in Edinburgh?

Clarence: Prince's Street?

GOHYTC: NO YOU FOOL! THE THEE-ATE-ARE!

Taxi Driver: Right-o!



(They arrive at the theatre, and purchase tickets to see Romeo and Juliet, in its original Elizabethan, with a twist…)

KPT: SQUEE!

(The show begins)

Tybalt: (singing) What, art thou drawn among these heartless hinds?

Benvolio: (forgetting his lines) (singing) Um…yes?

(IT'S A MUSICAL! –gasp-)

Tybalt: No! You fool! (They fight)

Benvolio: (singing) Is this in the script?

Tybalt: Yup.

Benvolio: Oh, that's Ok then.

(Act 3, Scene 1)

Romeo: Um…stop fighting you guys!

Mercutio: (the only one in character) A plague on both your houses!

Tybalt: Eh…let's go play checkers.

Romeo and Benvolio: Oh-kay!

Marley: BOO! (throws popcorn at the actors)

Scrooge: Desist! This is the cool part!

Scrooge McDuck: YEAH! SHUT YER GOB YE WHININ' BAIRN!

Scrooge: EEK! (throws his popcorn at Scrooge McDuck)

Scrooge McDuck: JINGS! POPCORN! (gobbles)

Clarence: (intrigued) Why do you only speak in CAPS LOCK?

Scrooge McDuck: BECAUSE I CAN YE DAFT LADDIE!

Cratchit: (is wearing a T-shirt with the slogan 'I actually like Shakespeare thanks very much!') GUYS! Shuddup! We're at the dramatic climax!

All: Oh, OK.



Romeo: (in bored tones) Oh woe is me. It would appear Juliet is dead. Drat! (drinks poison) It tastes like…burning! (dies)

Juliet: (wakes up and sees the dead Romeo) OK, now I'm REALLY cheesed off! (stabs herself) Why nothing ever straightforward in this pla-(dies)

(Capulet and Montague enter)

Capulet: Crumbs.

Montague: Where?

Capulet: No fool! Our kids are dead!

Montague: Sugarlumps. Want to go have tea and cucumber sandwiches?

Capulet: Sure!

(They exit, and the curtain closes dramatically)

Audience: (give standing ovation)

Clarence: (turns to face you, that's right YOU, reading this) And that's how this particular installment reaches a conclusion. (in a creepy voice) It was Tybalt, in the theatre, with the fake sword!

Tybalt: Why you-

(Curtain falls) 

The End


	6. It's Up To YOU

Scrooge & Marley: The Play Of Utter Randomness

Part VI

Duh duh DUH!

Marley: Now, I know our last holiday didn't go according to plan-

Scrooge: You can say that again.

Marley: Now I know our last holiday didn't go according to plan-

Clarence: You can say that again.

Marley: Now I know our last holiday didn't go according to plan-

GOHYTC: You can say that again!

Marley: Now I know our last holiday didn't go according to plan-

All: IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH!

Marley: But I think I've figured out how to make this one better!

Cratchit: We're going on another holiday?

Haggi: May we leave now?

Scrooge: Why aren't you back in Scotland where you belong?

Haggi: (shrug, looking confused) (exit)

Marley: To answer your previous question buddy; Yep! We're going on another holiday!

All: (groan)

Marley: C'mon guys! (sighs exasperatedly)

Cratchit: How are you going to make this one better then? Do tell.

Marley: (adjusts his glasses in a superior fashion) Well, my plan is simple…pause for effect-

Scrooge: Did you mean to say 'pause for effect'?

Marley: No…drat! (pause for effect) Anyway, the plan is this…

All: What?!

Marley: (suddenly looking sheepish) Er…I don't actually have a plan. (looks downcast) Sorry. (pause) D'you guys have any ideas?



All: MARLEY!

Marley: Yes?

All: Nevermind.

KPT: BRAAAK! I has an idea!

GOHYTC: Good. Pray thee tell.

KPT: Weeeeeeeeeell…(pause for effect)

All: Yeeeeeeeees?

KPT: I propose we transport ourselves into a computer game!

GOHYTC: (smacks KPT) Where do you get these ideas?

Marley: Intruiging…(scribbles 'Computer Game' onto a large sheet of paper) Any other ideas?

Cratchit: We could go to Macau...you say it's nice there!

Marley: (scribbles)

GOHYTC: Hawaii?

Scrooge: What did I tell you about beaches?

Cratchit: Look where that got us last time!

Bob Marley: Yeah man.

Clarence and Marley: STOP RANDOMLY APPEARING!

Bob Marley: Kay, man. (disappears)

Marley: (stares at paper) Sooo…wanna vote?

Scrooge: No. This whole idea is ridiculous.

All: Eh?

Scrooge: Why don't we just stay home and do nothing? That way nothing bad can happen!

Cratchit: He does have a point…

(A few hours and a few arguments later, it is officially decided that the group will stay at Marley's house so they can watch re-runs of Antiques Roadshow, eat popcorn and play Nintendo Gamecube)



KPT: Something has just occurred to me…Marl, why do you still have a house if you and Clarence are dead? Shouldn't you both have passed on or something?

Marley: Technically we have passed on, but we like hanging out around here on a permanent basis. The Underworld's not that fun.

KPT: 'Kay…just wondering.

(The holiday begins)

(The group are playing Mario Kart Double Dash)

Scrooge: Bwahahahaha, Bowser rules!

Marley: NO, YOU FOOL! Toadette rules!

Clarence: Actually, Yoshi is the best!

GOHYTC: (to self) HA! Whilst those fools were arguing I won the race! Bwahahahahaha…ha.

Marley, Scrooge, Clarence: What?

GOHYTC: Oh…nevermind.

(A few hours later)

KPT: I'm bored.

GOHYTC: Me too.

Clarence: Me most!

Marley: That's grammatically incorrect! (slaps Clarence) But…yeah…I'm bored too.

All: (ponder as to why this is)

Cratchit: Why do I have few lines in this installment?

Scrooge: SHUT IT! WE'RE PONDERING!

Cratchit: …

Clarence: I have a cunning plan to relieve our boredom!

GOHYTC: Oh great…what is it?

Clarence: We ask our loyal readers what we should do!

All: Eh?



Marley: (to Clarence) You mean you're no longer the playwright?

Clarence: Nope! I gave the job to ScroogeMcDuck, who's typing this as we speak!

Scrooge: AHHHHH! YOU FOOL! (runs away)

Clarence: I suggested this because, as Clarence says, we have a new playwright-

Marley: Who is in desperate need of inspiration!

ScroogeMcDuck: (walks in) Yup. I REALLY want to make these installments as random and funny as I can, but right now I lack motivation, inspiration and perspiration. Besides, if I ask you lot (my readers and reviewers that is) what you say goes! I hereby give you permission to suggest whatever the heck you want to happen to these lovely chaps! (off to the side) SCROOGE! GET BACK IN HERE!

Scrooge: Fine. (comes back)

ScroogeMcDuck: Sooo, what will happen next in Scrooge & Marley: The Play Of Utter Randomness? Will these wonderful Dickensian parodical character visit virtual reality, adventure in space, take a holiday in Hawaii or even (gasp) find themselves in a crossover?

Only YOU can decide.

dramatic music

**A/N: I'm not REALLY running out of ideas, I was just thinking of this installments as the starter for a sort of 'choose-your-own adventure' type spin-off, where you can pick what happens to Scrooge, Marley, Cratchit and the rest of the gang! Come up with the most random, pointless and stupid ideas you can! **


	7. You're Going To Hollywood!

Scrooge & Marley: The Play of Utter Randomness

Methinks, 'tis Part VII!

Hope you like it!

ScroogeMcDuck: Thanks to the brilliant suggestion of Isabelita Rox, you guys are soon going to be boarding a plane…to America!

All: And?

ScroogeMcDucK: Who said there's an 'and'? There is, by the way, but why'd you think that?

All: Eh…dunno.

ScroogeMcDuck: AND…you're going to Hollywood!

Marley: (prods Scrooge) I told you Simon liked my singing!

ScroogeMcDuck: That's not what I meant…you guys were never in American Idol!

Clarence: We weren't? Who wrote THAT script?

All: YOU DID!

Clarence: Oh…yeah.

ScroogeMcDuck: Er ..guys?

All: Yeah?

ScroogeMcDuck: Your plane's leaving in five minutes!

All: (incredulous exclamations)

Marley: But we haven't packed yet!

Scrooge: This is stupid!

ScroogeMcDuck: Wait a sec!

(Everyone's already left for the airport, having packed their suitcases in a surprisingly short amount of time…)

ScroogeMcDuck: I messed up…the plane that leaves in five minutes goes to Paris! (runs outside) COME BACK YOU GUYS!

(Dramatic music and a scene change)



(At the airport)

GOHYTC: We need to board the plane to Hollywood, pronto!

Barney The Dinosaur (posing as a check in clerk): Okie Dokie maccaroni!

Clarence: BARNEY! I'm your No. 1 fan! Can you autograph my T-shirt?

Barney: Of course! (grabs a pen)

Scrooge: Guys! We don't have time! (to Barney) When does the plane leave?

Barney: In about five hours, why?

Scrooge: (looks relieved, then surprised, then angry, then relatively calm) Just…check in these cases, will you?

Barney: Sure thing, pal! (checks in everybody's bags)

Clarence: Now what?

KPT: Let's explore! (runs off)

All: Uh oh…

KPT: (in the duty free store) I want this and this and this and this and this and a few of those and this! (dumps an enormous pile of items onto the cashiers desk)

Cashier (who is actually Dodger from Oliver Twist…don't ask about the airport/airplane staff…oo) Awrighty then guv', that'll be eight shillings and threepence…er…a thousand pounds!

KPT: Okay! (plunks down Scrooge's credit card)

Scrooge: (slow-mo, like the Matrix) NOOOOOOOO! (grabs credit card, smacks KPT and runs out of the shop)

KPT: Okaaaay…(plunks down Cratchit's credit card)

Cratchit: How'd the turkey get our credit cards?

Dodger: There ya go guv'nr! (hands KPT all his stuff in one enormous reusable bag)

KPT: (jumps up and down) YAAAAAAY!

(approximately five hours later)

Voice Over The Loudspeaker: Attention y'all. The flight to Los Angeles (cus that's where I assume Hollywood is) will be boardin' in a few seconds. Would y'all be so kind as to get out your boardin' passes so you can get on the plane? Thanks y'all. (loudspeaker clicks off)



GOHYTC: KPT! STOP IMPERSONATING ACCENTS OVER THE LOUDSPEAKER!

KPT: (sarcastically) Sorry y'all!

(Everyone boards the plane)

Etcetera (an extremely hyper kitten from the musical CATS, as an air hostess): Like, ohmygosh, HI! (waves manically) You lot are in seats C 5 to 10, okay? Right this way! (runs ahead of them to show them their seats)

Cratchit: (to Scrooge) Is this…normal?

Scrooge: Of course…of course. (pats Cratchit on the back reassuringly)

Cratchit: (looks confused and follows Scrooge)

(Everyone is settled in and ready to fly…all the way from the UK to the USA! It's the first time for the majority of these chaps to be on a plane…)

Captain's Voice Over The Intercom System: Hello everyone, this is your Captain speaking. My name is McFunky McFluff and I will be flying the lovely hunk of metal all the way to America! The current temperature inside the cabin is lukewarm. Please watch the following videos that no-one really watches anyway for some info on safety. In the quite likely event of an emergency-

Bob McFluff: PANIC! (giggles manically)

(Everyone exchanges nervous glances)

McFunky: Aaaaaand…we're off!

(booming sound)

(The plane begins to taxi to the runway)

McFunky: Yeeehaaa!

Fluffy McFluff: (to McFunky) Shut it! Trying to navigate!

Marley: So. We are on a plane being flown by three crazy haggi brothers to Hollywood, with an extremely hyperactive kitten as an air hostess?

Clarence: (gravely) Yes.

Scrooge and Cratchit: (together) We're doomed!

(The plane takes off)

(Eventful plane ride ensues…here are some short snippets…)



KPT: SNAKES! SNAKES IN THE WC!

Etcetera: Yaaaaay! I love snacks!

KPT: SNAKES I SAID! SNAAAAKES!

Etcetera: I love snakes too! Come here little snakey snakey snakey…

Clarence: It's official. Airplane toilets are evil. EEEEVIL.

Etcetera: Sooo…if you guys are going to Hollywood, does that mean you're celebs, like?

Scrooge: No…we're parodical characters based on the 1843 novella 'A Christmas Carol' by Victorian author Charles Dickens. We actually aren't entirely sure why we're going to Hollywood.

Etcetera: …Oh.

Cratchit: Hmmm…what in-flight movie shall I watch?

KPT: Snacks On A Plane?

Cratchit: Is that a parody of Snakes On A Plane?

KPT: Yeah.

Cratchit: Okay then. (watches)

Marley: (looking out the window) (sings) Lovely, fluffy, itty-bitty cloudies…

GOHYTC: Erm…

Marley: Pretty, cutie, cotton candy cloudies…

GOHYTC: I NEED DUCT TAPE!

(The plane lands, not successfully)

Bob: Er…sorry about the crash landing guys. Turbulence is nasty.

McFunky: YOU IDIOT!



Fluffy: Eh?

McFunky: We destroyed the famous Hollywood sign!

All: Oh dearie me.

(Our five heroes are driven to the Hollywood Hotel, where they stay the night. The next day they are driven to 'location')

Director: Okay…Scrooge & Marley: The Play Of Utter Randomness-The Movie, Scene One, Take One…Lights, Camera, ACTION!

The End…for now…


	8. The Movie Of Utter Randomness

Scrooge & Marley: The Play of Utter Randomness

Scrooge & Marley: The Play of Utter Randomness

THE MOVIE

A.K.A Part Eight

Marley: Hang on a sec!

Scrooge: What the heck-

All: Is going on here?

Director: CUT! You mean you guys don' geddit?

Clarence: Not entirely, no.

Director: WHY?

Clarence: Well...I'm not meant to be in the first part anyway! I'm the omniscient director/playwright/narrator!

Director: The what? (scratches head)

Cratchit: Maybe we should go and have some tea and get this all sorted out...

Marley: Excellent suggestion, old chap!

(Hours later)

Director: I see. (scratches chin) You had no clue you were going to be in a movie about yourselves and starring yourselves as yourselves?

Scrooge: Indeed. (nods)

KPT: Doesn't mean we don't wanna be in a movie though!

GOHYTC: His first coherent sentence! (hugs KPT)

Marley: (rolls eyes) I concur. I myself have always dreamed of stardom...

(Flashback...ooh...scary...)

_Simon Cowell: Greetings. What're you going to be singing?_

_(We see Marley in an outrageous rainbow suit, with a cowboy hat in his head)_

_Marley: Er...I'm going to sing 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow'..._

_Simon: How did I not guess?_

_Paula: Aw c'mon Simon, I think his outfit is funky!_

_Marley: Thank you! (bows to Paula)_

_Randy: Dude! Just get on with it!_

_Simon: Indeed._

_Marley: Okie Dokie..._

_(Bursts into song, really loudly and off key)_

_(Simon and Randy cover their ears, Paula hides under the table)_

_(Simon yells at Marley to quit it)_

_(Marley, looking offended, does)_

_(Ryan runs in)_

_Ryan: Was that the fire alarm or something guys?_

_Randy: No, that was Jake here (points at Marley)_

_Marley: (to himself) I hate name shortening..._

_Ryan: Oh...OK. (backs out of the room)_

_Simon: (hides his head in his hands) ARGH! I don't have a witty response to this! (weeps)_

_Paula: (gigglesnort)_

_Marley: Um..._

_Randy: Listen, Jake, man, that was really...dude! I dunno what to say!_

_Marley: You mean you liked it?_

_Randy, Paula and Simon: NO! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HOLLYWOOD!_

_Marley: Aw man!_

(Flashback ends)

Marley: (to himself) Alas, 'twas not to be... (sobs)

Everyone Else: (look confused)

Marley: (sniffs) Nevermind...

Clarence: ANYWAY, now we've sorted all that out...let's go make a movie!

All: YAY! (run out of the café and back to location)

(Many weeks later)

(The movie is still to be shot. Clarence and the playwright keep having major arguments about the script, Marley and KPT keep causing havoc and GOHYTC spends more time shopping in Beverly Hills than on set. Meanwhile, Scrooge and Cratchit are the only ones taking things seriously)

Scrooge: Cratchit!

Cratchit: Mr. Scrooge, sir?

Scrooge: What?

Cratchit: Drat it...line!

(Meanwhile...)

Marley: Yo KPT!

KPT: Wazzup?

Marley: We should totally make a music video!

KPT: DUDE!

(They pinch one of the cameras from the set and run away, cackling madly)

(They crash into GOHYTC, who arrives on set with at least twenty bags of really expensive stuff he doesn't need)

GOHYTC: What are you two up to?

Marley: Nuffin! (looks innocent)

GOHYTC: (raises an unseen eyebrow) Oh really?

KPT: Yup! (nods)

GOHYTC: In that case, help me carry all this stuff back to the hotel!

KPT: OK! (drops the camera and picks up some shopping bags)

GOHYTC: Aha! You fell for my subtle plan!

Marley: What subtle plan? I don't see a subtle plan!

GOHYTC: Marl, you wouldn't see a subtly plan if it painted itself pink and danced around on top of the Hollywood sign singing 'Subtle Plans Are Here Again'!

Marley and KPT: (stare blankly)

GOHYTC: Nevermind...

(Back on the set)

Director: OK you two, take a break!

Cratchit: Thanks!

Scrooge: I can't believe these guys!

Cratchit: What guys?

Scrooge: GOHYTC, KPT and Marley! They keep goofing off instead of helping with the movie! Don't they want fame and fortune?

Cratchit: I dunno.

Clarence: I HEARD THAT! THAT'S MY LINE! ALL MINE! MY PRECIOUS!

Scrooge: (sigh) Poor Clarence. He's slowly but surely going insane...

Cratchit: Who'd notice another insane person around here?

Scrooge: Good point...

(Many months later)

(The movie is a huge hit, although there have been many changes to the script, provided by Clarence. Here, for your viewing pleasure, is a re-written scene from Part Three, Take 609...)

_Marley: I have a cunning plan!_

_Scrooge: Yeah, whatever._

_Marley: B-but...this plan will make this stupid play/movie thingy worthwhile!_

_Scrooge: Fine. What's the plan!_

_Marley: We dance the Macarena!_

_(All dance onto the set and dance the Macarena, all wearing outfits in neon colours)_

_Clarence: (after the song is finished) I have another cunning plan! A plan so cunning you could eat it on a sandwich!_

_Cratchit: Hmmmm?_

_Clarence: We dance the Cha Cha Slide!_

_All: (not in unison but all at the same time) We love you Clarence! You're the coolest, bestest person in the entire universe! You rock, man!_

_Clarence: (smiling vainly) Aren't I though?_

_Marley: Why must you question your own uber brilliance?_

(Leeeet's stop that there...shall we?)

(Needless to say, all Clarence's appararent brilliance, very much influenced by rave reviews in the paper, was getting on everyone else's nerves)

Marley: Man, am I sick of Clarence!

GOHYTC, Scrooge, Cratchit, KPT: (glumly) Agreed!

Marley: He didn't even have that big of a part! He only really appeared from the end of Part Two and onwards! In fact (flicks through his copy of the script) his part is the shortest in this whole thing, apart from ScroogeMcDuck of course!

Cratchit: We know.

Marley: His ego is so big I'm surprised he still walk around without crushing buildings!

KPT: We know.

Marley: HE'S INFURIATING, IS CLARENCE!

All: WE-

Clarence: (enters, wearing a T-shirt with a picture of himself on it, a 'Clarence is Cool' baseball hat, jeans: 'designed by me, for me, bwahahaha foolish mortals' and carrying armfuls of his own merchandise) Did someone say my name?

Marley: No...

Clarence: OK then. (sits down, placing merchandise reverently at his feet) Man! What a day! People love me, y'know?

Scrooge: We know.

Clarence: I can hardly go anywhere without reporters in my face!

GOHYTC: We know.

Clarence: But it gets really annoying sometimes, y'know?

All: (surprised) No, not really.

Clarence: Sometimes...well...quite a lot of the time, I wish I was back in London with you guys, being random and doing nothing constructive whatsoever!

All: WHAT? REALLY?

Clarence: YES! D'you reckon we could ask ScroogeMcDuck to get us tickets so we can go back home?

Cratchit: Yeah, I guess. I'll go ask her now! (disappears)

Marley: You're back man! (hugs Clarence) I love you bro, y'know that right?

Clarence: DUH!

(He and Marley break into a duet of 'We're Brothers Forever!' by Renaldo Lapuz from American Idol, Season 7: _/watch?vnIpV5R3QPes&featurerelated_)

KPT: Awwww!

Cratchit: (runs back in) GUYS! I got tickets! We're going home!

GOHYTC: SQUEE!

Cratchit: Now, guys! We're going home now! This second!

All: Eeep! (get packing and hurry to the airport)

(The plane ride is surprisingly smooth, piloted by Fred Flintstone (assisted by The Artful Dodger and Charley Bates) with lots of random Harry Potter characters as airplane staff)

_At last they arrive back in London...and live happily ever after...until my next installment..._


	9. Who Knows How To Play Cluedo?

Scrooge & Marley: The Play Of Utter Randomness

Part Nine

-triumphant music-

Hope you enjoy it, dear readers & reviewers! Sorry it's been so long! D:

Marley: OW!

Cratchit: ARGH!

KPT: Methinks we've been stuffed in that character closet for too long!

Scrooge: No kiddin'.

All: Eh?

Scrooge: (shrugs)

GOHYTC: So. Shall we embark on our next adventure?

Marley: Sounds like a plan! (grins manically)

Cratchit: Soooo…

Marley: (sings, to self) Lovely bread, lovely bread, lovely lovely bread…

(Everyone ignores him)

Cratchit: As I was saying…

Scrooge: (interrupts) You weren't saying anything!

Cratchit: Oh. Right.

Artful Dodger: (emerges from character closet) Cor! Tha' wos weird!

KPT: Oh snap.

(Many more random characters and famous people suddenly begin emerging from the character closet…)

Elizabeth I: I want a prezzie! Make it nice and shiny!

Mr. Bingley: WAFFLES!

Mr. Darcy: (smacks Bingley around the head)

Bertie Wooster: I say, Jeeves, this is a rum do, what!

Jeeves: Indeed, sir.

Sherlock Holmes: Elementary, my dear Watson!

Watson: Like DUH Sherlock!

Holmes: Pardon?

Elizabeth I: WHERE'S MY PREZZIE?

Sherlock Holmes: Let's split up and search for clues!

Scooby Doo: Ra-huh! Clues!

Watson: (forehead slap)

Marley: QUIET!

(Everyone shuts up)

Dodger: (closes the character closet door with a sheepish grin) Sorry guvn'r!

Scrooge: Roll call!

(Everyone stands in a line)

Scrooge: Artful Dodger?

Artful Dodger: 'Ello mate!

Scrooge: Her Majesty Elizabeth I of England?

Elizabeth I: Hmph.

Scrooge: Charles Bingley of Netherfield Park?

Bingley: (waves hand in the air manically) PRESENT!

Elizabeth I: WHERE?

Scrooge: (speaks louder) Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberly Estate?

Mr. Darcy: (grunts)

Scrooge: (eyetwitch) Jeeves and Wooster?

Wooster and Jeeves: (in unison) Accounted for!

Scrooge: Sherlock Holmes?

(No answer)

Scrooge: Sherlock Holmes?

(shocked scream and panicked voices)

Scrooge: What happened? Where's Sherlock Holmes?

Cratchit: Uh…guys? Sherlock Holmes is…dead.

(dramatic music)

(one advert break later…)

All: WHAT?

Marley: How ironic.

Scrooge: Shut it Marl!

Marley: Sheesh! (shuts it)

GOHYTC: Don't worry guys, don't panic! I have this all under control!

(Stunned silence)

GOHYTC: Who here has ever played Cluedo?

Jeeves: The murder mystery board game, sir?

GOHYTC: Precisely.

Jeeves: (looks confused)

(Everyone gasps in shock)

(Returning to the matter at hand…)

GOHYTC: As I was saying…you know what this means?

(Blank stares)

GOHYTC: We must wander into random rooms and shout accusations at each other! (nods triumphantly)

Wooster: I may be as thick as the large print copy of War and Peace but even I think that isn't going to work!

Bingley: I think it might work!

Darcy: (smacks Bingley around the head again)

Bingley: Awww! Darcy, play nice!

Artful Dodger: GUYS!

Bingley and Darcy: Whaaaaaat?

Artful Dodger: Nevermind.

Marley: (takes charge) We must solve the mystery!

Scooby Doo: Zoinks!

Marley: Who Killed Sherlock Holmes?

Watson: He's right! This /is/ ironic!

Marley: Let's split up and search for clues!

All: Righto! (split up and search for clues)

Wooster: Hmm…a trail of blood…(follows)

(a few seconds later)

Wooster: (sees KPT nibbling ketchup drenched French fries) Did you see a trail of blood anywhere old chap?

KPT: (with his mouth full) Nopeitidoodles!

Wooster: I see.

Jeeves: (picks up deerstalker hat) I believe this was Mr. Holmes' hat, sir?

Watson: Yeah, he had a fondness for weird hats.

Jeeves: Righto.

Marley: Tum-de-dum-de-dum…EEEK!

Everyone Else: WHAT?

Marley: D-d-dead…detective…in…funny hat!

Watson: Looks like he had a spare hat then!

Scrooge: Look! (points to Holmes' hand) He isn't holding his magnifying glass!

(Shocked gasps)

Scrooge: WILL YOU ALL PLEASE STOP GASPING IN SHOCK WHENEVER SOMETHING DRAMATIC HAPPENS?

(Mumbled apologies)

Scrooge: Now…(strokes chin) why is that?

Cratchit: Look! (points to sceptre lying beside Sherlock's body)

(Everyone stifles gasps of shock)

Marley: (excitedly) Guys! I think I've solved the mystery!

(Everyone hold their breath…)

Wooster: (gasps, chokes, wheezes)

Jeeves: Not literally sir!

Wooster: Oh.

Marley: (dramatically) It was Queen Elizabeth I, in the drawing room, with the sceptre!

Elizabeth I: Well! What did you expect me to do? He had a shiny and he wouldn't give it to me! (pouts) I am Queen, aren't I? I should have all the shiny things I want! (holds up magnifying glass triumphantly) But see! Here! It is mine! BWAHAHAHAHA-

(She is cut off mid-laugh as Darcy grabs the magnifying glass from her and snaps it in half)

Darcy: It was tolerable but not handsome enough to tempt me.

Bingley: Um…that's a magnifying glass, Darcy…

Darcy: SO?

Clarence: (appears, wielding cattle prod) Alright you lot! Back in the character closet with you! Move it!

All: (break into song and dance; 'I Like To Move It')

The End (for now…)


End file.
